Jan 08

Stern Sidekick And Degenerate Human Being Artie Lange Tried To Off Himself Last Weekend

By Shotgun Candy on January 8th, 2010 at 8:43 am in Attempted Suicides, Celebrities No Comments »
It could be worse Artie. You could be Norm MacDonald.

It could be worse Artie. You could be Norm MacDonald.

Artie Lange is probably Howard Stern’s most depressing sidekick – and trust me, that’s saying something.  The usually bloated no talent hack, who somehow  still manages to make a fortune doing stand up comedy gigs, tried to off himself this past weekend.

ABC News writes:

Police say self-inflicted stab wounds put Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange in a New Jersey hospital.

Hoboken Police Detective Mark Competello says Lange’s mother found him on the floor of his waterfront home on Saturday.

Competello says the 42-year-old comedian was unconscious but breathing after stabbing himself with a 13-inch Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife.

Lange was taken to Jersey City Medical Center. Competello says doctors cleaned nine abdominal knife wounds and operated. He says Lange has been released.

A message was left for Lange’s publicist. Stern has spoken of the suicide attempt and said his thoughts are with Lange’s mother and sister.

Lange’s lost driving privileges after admitting he was under the influence of sleeping pills in a minor traffic accident.

A friend of mine who listens to The Howard Stern Show told me that Artie actually hasn’t been on the show for about a month.  He apparently just stopped showing up and Howard had no idea where he was.

The writing is on the wall with Lange, he’ll be dead one way or another soon enough.  Watch for him on Tinseltomb!  All we can say is, “Better luck next time!”

Popularity: 95%

Dec 07

Alexa Ray Joel Not Even Very Good At Killing Herself

By Shotgun Candy on December 7th, 2009 at 4:02 pm in Attempted Suicides, Celebrities No Comments »
"I have the hottest mom in the world, yet I look like my Mongoloid dad. You'd be depressed, too."

"I have the hottest mom in the world, yet I look like my Mongoloid dad. You'd be depressed, too."

Apparently being the child of millionaires and getting musical gigs through nepotism is very hard work.  Alexa Ray Joel’s life is a black abyss.

Examiner.com writes:

According to Wonderwall, Alexa Ray Joel has been released from a New York Hospital after swallowing several Traumeel pills in an alleged suicide attempt.

Traumeel is an inflammation regulating homeopathic medication,

Alexa is the daughter of pop singer Billy Joel and model Christie Brinkley. She reportedly left St. Vincent’s Hospital after being admitted on Saturday, Us magazine confirms. Her father remained at his home in Oyster Bay, Long Island making phone contact with his daughter up until her release.

The New York Post is reporting that Alexa Ray called 911 herself, telling dispatchers: “Took pills. Want to die.” It had originally been thought that a friend of the 23-year-old had been the one to dial for help.

Alexa Ray is the only daughter of the famous couple. Their 9-year marriage ended in 1994.

Fuckin’ rich people.

Popularity: 32%

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Nov 24

Census Worker Bill Sparkman’s Death Determined To Be Elaborate, Cowardly Suicide

By Shotgun Candy on November 24th, 2009 at 1:57 pm in Suicides In The News No Comments »
Bill Sparkman, obviously not a CSI fan

Bill Sparkman, obviously not a CSI fan

What kind of a wackjob was this guy?  Gets himself butt naked, ties himself up (poorly), writes “FED” on his own chest, and hangs himself in a cemetery.  And now his son won’t even get the insurance money from his dad’s cowardly exit.

From the New York Times:

The Kentucky census worker found hanging from a tree with the word “fed” scrawled on his chest staged his own death to look like a homicide so that his son could collect his life insurance, the authorities said Tuesday.

“We believe this was an intentional act,” Trooper Don Trosper, a Kentucky State Police spokesman, said. “We believe the aim was to take his own life.”

The naked body of the census worker, Bill Sparkman, was found Sept. 12 hanging from a tree near a cemetery in the Daniel Boone National Forest in southeastern Kentucky.

One of the witnesses who found the body said Mr. Sparkman, 51, was bound with duct tape, gagged and had an identification badge taped to his neck. A rope was tied around his neck, attached to a tree, and the word “fed” was on his chest, the police said.

The police said that they analyzed the ink on Mr. Sparkman’s chest to determine if someone else had written the word fed. They concluded that the letters had been written from the bottom to the top, which is not how another person would have written them while facing Mr. Sparkman.

The police also found no evidence of a struggle, and there was only Mr. Sparkman’s DNA on the rag in his mouth and near his body.

Mr. Sparkman’s hands were bound, but loosely, allowing him to move them shoulder-width apart. The police added that they believed Mr. Sparkman acted alone in manipulating the scene to conceal the suicide.

This is why when I eventually kill myself in an insurance fraud scheme I’m going to have a homeless guy help me out.  And, I don’t plan to be naked.

Popularity: 29%

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Nov 20

Drew Brees Mother’s Death Ruled Suicide

By Shotgun Candy on November 20th, 2009 at 2:33 pm in Celebrities, The Aftermath No Comments »
"I hate you, mom!"

"I hate you, mom!"

I guess his mom wasn’t a Saints fan, as they are having a pretty amazing season.

The Sun Sentinel writes:

GRANBY, Colo. (AP) — The death of the mother of New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has been ruled a suicide.

Mina Brees, an attorney from Austin, Texas, died Aug. 7 while visiting Colorado. This week, Grand County coroner Brenda Bock concluded that she died of a prescription drug overdose and ruled the death a suicide.

Bock said Brees died while staying at the home of a friend in Granby near Rocky Mountain National Park.

It took longer than three months for a cause of death to be reached but Bock said that’s typical for cases involving toxicology tests.

Relations between Drew Brees and his mother were strained at times and the quarterback asked her to stop using his picture in TV commercials touting her candidacy for a Texas appeals court in 2006.

Popularity: 100%

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Nov 10

“The Office” Segment Makes AFSP Want To Shoot Themselves In The Head – How Ironic

By Shotgun Candy on November 10th, 2009 at 4:02 pm in Suicide In Pop Culture No Comments »

I actually really love the NBC TV Show “The Office,” but like many fans I often find Michael (played by Steve Carell) to be almost too retarded to be believable.  Apparently, in a recent episode of the show Michael hung himself to frighten some kids during a Halloween party.  Well, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was none too pleased by this and has fired up their publicity machine for a little free press.

Examiner.com writes:

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention doesn’t think Michael Scott is very funny.

In a recent episode Steve Carell, playing his office character Michael Scott, played a gag that involved him hanging himself in order to scare small children.  The scene showed Carell’s character struggling against a rope as children screamed, and his co-workers disappointed at the inappropriate nature of his stunt.

The AFSP spoke out against such comedy, and asked networks to stay away from laughing about suicide, as it may cause those who are mentally ill to actually consider suicide.

I doubt the AFSP would be big fans of Shotgun Candy, so they can go f*** themselves!

Popularity: 32%

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Nov 06

The Hulkster Considered Offing Himself But Then Realized “Oh Shit I’m Rich and Famous”

By Shotgun Candy on November 6th, 2009 at 2:33 pm in Celebrities 1 Comment »

Hulk Hogan has been making the rounds on TV this past week promoting his new book My Life Outside the Ring.  Hogan was apparently driven to the edge in 2007 when his wife filed for divorce and his bone-headed son got in a very serious car accident which turned one of his buddies into a vegetable.  People Magazine writes:

Hogan describes that tumultuous period of his life, beginning with his son Nick’s August 2007 car accident. Four months later, shortly after his wife Linda filed for divorce, Hogan found himself chasing Xanax pills with swigs of rum one weekend – while holding a gun in his hand.

“I could feel the life draining out of me,” he writes. “It had me curling my index finger on the trigger of a loaded handgun and putting it in my mouth.”

After an unexpected phone call from his American Gladiators co-host, Laila Ali, snapped him out of his funk, Hogan says he went on to recover from that low by rediscovering his faith – and by making up his mind to do whatever it took to find happiness again.

While it seems to be unknown what Ali said to him in the phone call, it’s quite possible she reminded the wrestling star that he is stupidly rich and will probably be balls deep in tight, young teenage vagina for the rest of his life.  If that’s not enough to make you put off suicide for a couple more years, I don’t know what is.

Hey Hulkster, if you want to know what real human suffering and sadness is, try eating at Yoshinoya every night.  You rich prick.

After an unexpected phone call from his American Gladiators co-host, Laila Ali, snapped him out of his funk, Hogan says he went on to recover from that low by rediscovering his faith – and by making up his mind to do whatever it took to find happiness again.

Popularity: 61%

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Nov 01

Will Listening To Brett Favre Coverage Make You Wanna Down Some Shotgun Candy?

By Shotgun Candy on November 1st, 2009 at 1:23 am in Pending Suicides No Comments »

I came across a silly article today that laments the endless analysis of Brett Favre’s upcoming game against Green Bay this weekend.  It was worth a few laughs, so check out the link.  Here’s a few excerpts:

Jon Merz volunteers at a suicide hotline in Los Angeles every other weekend.  He’ll be on duty this Sunday, the same day Brett Favre makes his highly-publicized return to Lambeau Field as a Viking.

Jon is expecting it to be a busy weekend.

“I was here on Tuesday.  We were already getting calls from people in preparation for this weekend, saying that they didn’t know if they could handle all the coverage that Brett Favre would be getting this week.  Especially on Sunday.”

What Jon is referring to is the endless amount of hours and countless segments that are likely to be spent talking about Favre returning to Green Bay to play the Packers at Lambeau for the first time.

And the best quote in the article:

“Brett Favre is America.  He’s everything.  He’s God.  And I’m going to talk about him to death.  Also, I can tell you what day Brett Favre will retire.  Dec. 21, 2012,” said ESPN analyst Chris Berman.

Check out the rest of this humorous article at BleacherReport.com.

The Vikings vs Packers game is at 3:15PM CT on Sunday.

Popularity: 36%

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Oct 31

Bury Yourself For a Bargain – Walmart Getting Into Coffin Business

By Shotgun Candy on October 31st, 2009 at 5:30 pm in The Aftermath No Comments »

Well, Walmart is causing quite a stir in the funeral home business because they are going to be offering discount prices on coffins.

An angry and bitter blogger writes:

Wal-Mart. The corporation that has made an industry of undercutting small businesses by selling low-priced and low-quality merchandise has now branched into a new product line. The business that sells diapers and pacifiers has decided to offer coffins to customers as well. Will we ever be free of Wal-Mart?

The company that claims everyday low prices now has a payment plan and quick shipment option for their coffin. Are you kidding me? Like I want yet another product taken over by the marketing giant. They already sell cheap products that tend to have a short life. Do I really want my relative buried in a coffin that can’t stand the test of time? If I can’t trust them to make shoes that don’t break apart within weeks, or fresh vegetables, can I really trust them to supply a decent line of coffins? Cheap prices are not everything. I am looking for quality not cheapness. Not everything is better with Wal-Mart.

While most people who kill themselves are clearly not thinking about the best interests of the family members they leave behind, wouldn’t it be a nice change if you buy an affordable discount coffin from Walmart and have it ready for that fateful day?

Popularity: 35%

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Oct 30

Burbank Cop Named in FBI Probe Offs Himself on Street Corner

By Shotgun Candy on October 30th, 2009 at 10:03 am in Suicides In The News 2 Comments »

Man, Southern California cops are having a really bad week.  Another one of them decided to take a trip to the precinct in the sky.  Apparently this guy – Neil Thomas Gun – may have been involved in some excessive force incidents which the DOJ is investigating.

The LA Times writes:

A decorated Burbank Police Department sergeant who was named in an FBI probe shot and killed himself on a residential street corner Thursday, authorities said.

Burbank police responding to a “shots fired” call about 11:40 a.m. near North Sunset Canyon Drive at East Harvard Road found Neil Thomas Gunn, 50, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Gunn was one of 12 current and former officers named in federal grand jury subpoenas as part of an investigation into possible civil rights violations.

FBI officials have said only that that their civil rights division is investigating Burbank police officers.

Popularity: 99%

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Oct 29

Time Is Running Out, Plan Your Swiss Suicide Vacation Soon

By Shotgun Candy on October 29th, 2009 at 2:30 pm in International Suicide No Comments »
Die with dignity in Switzerland. Limited time offer.

Die with dignity in Switzerland. Limited time offer.

Switzerland has very liberal assisted suicide laws, which may be coming to an end soon due to a spat of bad public relations incidents.  So if you’re looking to off yourself in the Alps you’d better plan your trip soon.  CNN writes:

(CNN) — It has long been the final destination for terminally ill patients who want to end their lives, offering what many consider to be a dignified way out of their suffering.

But now, Switzerland is proposing legislation that would limit the practice of assisted suicide to people who are terminally ill — or ban it altogether.

If either proposal is adopted, people suffering from a chronic illness or who have a mental illness could no longer legally take advantage of assisted suicide.

Recent cases have drawn more attention to “suicide tourism,” in which people who can’t legally seek assisted suicide in their home countries travel to Switzerland, where it is allowed.

Maybe a  Swiss vacation really is a one way ticket to paradise.

Popularity: 54%

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